My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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