Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
