Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
