you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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