He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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