you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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