I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
