Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about youâ€
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