my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
