did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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