good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
