You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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