Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
