Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
