remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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