I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
