Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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