You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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