She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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