I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's official drugs can't kill me
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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