We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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