Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The air was thick with penises
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
