I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
