i just made my gag reflex go away.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
