Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
