So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize