how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
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I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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