She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
