just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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