Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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