Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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