Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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