Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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