I cannot find my penis.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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