Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
