you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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