I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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