just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
