glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
