she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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