someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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