I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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