Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
