Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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