You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
