I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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