I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
