i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
