I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just sucked dick on a ferry
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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