When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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