Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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