so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
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I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
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All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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