ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
