Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
