My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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