I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
