I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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