PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
