I met the friendliest cop last night
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize