"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
