i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
